Image

“Malaya na ako”: PE’s journey out of their own shadow

My name is Pe Perez, an audit associate from the Audit and Assurance practice area, and I identify as a non-binary gender fluid. Non-binary gender fluid means that I neither identify as a man nor a woman. I can say that I’m more of an in between. When I came out, I felt lost for a moment because I didn’t know what I really identified as. I had so many questions in my head, so I took time to thoroughly understand how I feel about myself. I did a lot of research, and I found that I’m gender fluid, which means that there are times when I express my feminine side, and times when I’m more of my masculine side.

Since I was a child, I always knew that I was queer. Like most people, I also have the same shared experiences of being closeted, hiding my identity as a queer. I had to do things in a very calculated way because I feared that people around me would feel uncomfortable had they known about my identity. But growing up, I was fortunate to have friends who are "queens” like me. They are very supportive of me, and they helped me to be more accepting of my gender. If not for them, I think I would have a hard time coming out. Having allies around has also been helpful in my journey. Eventually, it led me to confidently tell my family about my “true colors”.

Coming out to my parents was a rollercoaster ride. I was nervous, anxious, and somewhat relieved all at the same time. In 2020, I prepared myself to tell my parents about my gender. Just like in most coming out stories, it’s somehow always our dads who reject the idea of being queer and our moms are the more accepting. But surprisingly, it turned out to be the other way around for me. When I came out, my dad said "Okay lang ‘yan. Basta nag-aaral ka nang mabuti."

On the other hand, my mom did not acknowledge it, and I somehow understood because she is religious and conservative. Sinabi niya lang sa’kin na she will pray for me. For her, she was more concerned about raising me as a child. Hindi ako yung kinekwestiyon niya entirely but more of asking herself if she did well as a mother in raising me. Hearing this, I assured her that it's not about the way she raised me. At first my mom was really having a hard time accepting it. But eventually, she was able to and today she is proud of who I am.

Coming out was a relief, sobrang na-feel ko na malaya na ako. Sobrang sarap sa feeling na wala ka nang iniisip na what ifs. Before, I didn't want to socialize much because I fear that becoming too comfortable around others might inadvertently lead to me outing myself. Now, I can fully express who I am and that gave me opportunities to connect more with people and meet new friends.

Prior to my employment here in P&A Grant Thornton, I felt nervous entering the corporate world thinking that my gender may cause setbacks to my professional life. “Kung ganito ako baka di ako matanggap sa work”, I thought to myself. So, when I applied here at the Firm, I did my best to be honest about my gender to the manager who interviewed me and asked if being a member of the LGBT community will affect my application.

The manager then assured me that everyone is accepted and celebrated in the Firm. Hearing this was a relief. I remembered also during our Audit team outing; I was asked to join “Mr. & Ms. Audit”. While I declined, being seen as a woman feels so comforting for me knowing that people support and respect who I am. Seeing that our Firm supports the diversity of every individual and not by their gender, race, or religion is something that made us feel seen and valued.

But sometimes, being queer is also challenging. There were times that I was anxious to go to public restrooms thinking that I would make a scene because of my gender. In those times, I had to find restrooms that were for all genders or for PWDs. Over time, my friends helped me to overcome this experience and now I can enter public restrooms without worrying about discrimination.

It is not just the LGBT community who face discrimination and deal with misconceptions. Often, there are people who misgender a person just because of how they act or present themselves. I hope that people understand that when a man presents his feminine side nor when a woman presents her masculine side, does not equate to being queer. Instead of giving a false impression of someone, asking nicely is the best way to know their identity or simply be kind and do not judge them.

While there is progress in advancing the welfare of people like me in the public and private systems, I think companies can help the LGBT community more by having cubicles intended for our members. While we are grateful for those cisgenders who are at ease with going into the same restroom as us LGBT members, I still believe that we must respect those who feel uncomfortable with it. So, I best believe that having restrooms that are meant for the LGBT community is a must and a win-win situation for all.

My message for those who are still learning to understand us is that we are not asking for any special treatment: you just have to treat us like any other individual with respect. And for those who are struggling to accept their identity, always remember that there is no deadline before you can truly know and understand yourself. Take as much time as you want to discover who you really are. But the important part of perceiving your gender identity is to always be authentic and true to yourself. Loving yourself is the most liberating feeling that will open you to better self-discovery.